If your kiddo’s potty learning journey is looking like any of these scenarios, you are not alone:
• Peeing on the potty is going great, but your kiddo is unwilling or unable to poop there.
• Your child asks for (demands?) a diaper or pull-up to poop in or gets one themselves.
• They hold their poo until nap or nighttime.
• Your child refuses to sit on the potty for poo and loses their mind if you try to make them sit.
• They will sit (forever!) but nothing happens.
• Poo always or often ends up in their underwear or pants or on the floor.
• Your child hasn’t pooped AT ALL since you introduced the potty.
Quite an exhaustive list, huh?! The “bad” news is that these challenges are very common. The good news is that we’ve seen and tackled them all and we can help!
Contrary to what your best friend or Facebook group might tell you, these challenges are not signs that your kiddo isn’t ready. So, what’s a parent to do? Determining and working through the root cause is key. Here are four common reasons for poop struggles and their solutions:
#1 Lack of Privacy
Can you remember a time when you rushed into the stall to go but then froze up when someone entered the one beside you? Our muscles need to relax to release, and a lack of privacy can cause them to tighten. Yes, you may need to be present to assist your child and you may need a potty on hand in the main area of the home in this early stage. However, find ways to offer privacy too. For example, can you place the potty behind something? Get them seated and pretend you forgot your phone and go retrieve it? Have a blanket or cape beside the potty so they can wrap it around their shoulders and “hide”? Many children will have a movement when we just step away for a moment.
#2 Fear of the Unfamiliar
Fear is a normal human response to change and to the unfamiliar and a loss of control. Have you ever seen your toddler freak out when you cut the sandwich the “wrong” way? Talked your preschooler down from panic when there was a new food on their plate? It is developmentally appropriate for young children to display neophobia or a fear of new things. The whole world is new to them, and, at the same time, their imaginations are in full bloom. It’s no wonder then that losing the “security blanket” of the diaper or pull-up and having to relax and release in a new location and position can cause fear, reluctance and refusal. Imagine if you had to poop standing up on the couch! You would probably feel equally reluctant and, even if you tried, your muscles might struggle to cooperate.
To help your child work through this normal fear, imagine you are their labor coach. They need to “birth” this poo and, to do so, they need someone calm, confident, and collected by their side. Speak in a low, slow voice without any hint of hurriedness or desperation. Let them know you are there to help when they are ready. Try to determine whether they need privacy, as outlined above, or physical comfort like a bear hug or a back rub while trying. If you need to just work on sitting and trying for now and releasing a bit down the road, baby steps are fine.
#3 A “Menu” of Options
Your child has known just one way of going for two to three years and may not be super fond of letting that go. So, it would be understandable that, if that option is still on the menu, they may not get on board with the new one. It is very challenging, and sometimes impossible, to learn a new way to do something while still actively participating in the old, and more preferred way. Meaning, if you are asking your child to pee and poo on the potty during the day, but reverting back to diapers and pull-ups for sleep, that may be the hold up. Yes, there are children who can learn that way but yours may not be one of them. Some kiddos have a smoother process when we make one big change – this is just where and how we go now. If they aren’t able to stay dry yet, that will require some preparation and possibly an active night training process on your part. Once the potty is the only option, it will no longer be the lesser of two options.
#4 An Underlying Physical Cause
Assuming you’ve covered all your bases thus far, your child’s poop struggles might boil down to an underlying physical cause, such as constipation and/or withholding – one of which can trigger the other. If your child’s stool is large and hard to pass, that will increase their reluctance and inability to relax and release. In turn, they may begin to withhold. On the flip side, if they are afraid of the new scenario and hold their poo as a result, they may become constipated. Food intolerances, large amounts of dairy products, and picky eating will only compound these issues. If you suspect your child is constipated or withholding, speak to their pediatrician or a pediatric gastrointestinal specialist to discuss ways to soften their stool and relax those muscles.
Like so many other aspects of parenting, this too shall pass. Once your child goes enough times in this new way, all that unfamiliarity will melt away and the poo will come easily. In the meantime, if you need support to tackle the battle of the poops, or any potty learning challenge, we can help!