As a sleep coach
and postpartum doula, I thought motherhood would be so much easier for me than for the average mom (pausing for your laughter…). Every day, I supported parents through the transition of having a new baby, teaching them how to soothe their fussy babies. I knew all there was to know about encouraging healthy sleep habits from the start and had a solid plan to start moving my son toward independent sleep around 4 months of age.
Enter my son, and my discovery: you don’t know what you don’t know. He was a VERY fussy and high need baby. I tried repeatedly to get him out of my arms and my bed and into his crib. I had to trade my lofty vision and goals for survival mode. Our days consisted of wearing and frequent nursing and our evenings consisted of bouncing on a ball with the hair dryer or vacuum for background noise. My friends with babies didn't seem to get it - they could just put their baby down and get things done while they slept peacefully. It felt like my friends babies seamlessly joined their lives while mine took it over and turned it upside down.
To make a very long and exhausting story short, we both survived that newborn stage. It was a long and winding road, but my personal takeaway was this:
No matter what you know or expect, your baby didn't read the books or your plan. You get the little person you get and they and your journey may not match your vision. You may need to grieve over that and you may need to enter survival mode too and I give you permission to do both.
In the meantime, you'll need to get through each day, keeping baby and yourself as rested as possible. These 5 tips may help.
1. Help set your baby’s internal clock
to distinguish the difference between day and night. Newborns are not born with an internal clock so provide external cues instead. Exposure to natural sunlight or bright interior lights in the morning and during the day is important, as is avoiding artificial light throughout the night. Turning on a bright light for night wakings interrupts the body’s natural production of melatonin, making it harder to return to sleep. When you do respond to baby for night feedings or wakings, keep things quiet and mellow and avoid scrolling on your phone so you can return to sleep easily yourself.
2. Fill up baby’s daytime “sleep tank.”
Sleep is important for everyone, but even more so for an already fussy baby. The key to less crying and longer sleep stretches is to prevent them from growing overtired at all costs. Don’t stress about getting them out of the carrier, swing, stroller, or car but use these items to your advantage until this fussy period subsides. Don't stress about putting them down awake or putting them down at all for now. There will be plenty of time to change habits, but for now just make sure they get enough sleep in whatever way works best. If you wait too long to soothe them to sleep, they will get a second wind and be harder to settle and will pop awake faster. Plan to help your baby to sleep within just 45-75 minutes of waking for the smoothest result and, if you miss that window, don’t beat yourself up! Just make a mental note of that and start sooner next time.
3. Throw out the notion that you must get baby on a schedule.
There will be time for that too. For now, try to think more in terms of a pattern or flow to your day. I’m a fan of having fixed points or ranges for starting and ending baby's day and then following a repeating pattern between those points. For example, the Baby Whisperer’s E.A.S.Y plan is a repeating cycle of Eat, Activity, Sleep, You time. It is a great way to add some semblance of structure to your day without the anxiety of a strict schedule.
4. Listen to your baby, and your instincts.
Your best friend says your baby shouldn’t eat until four hours have passed. Your mother in law says you are spoiling them by holding them all the time. An “expert” suggests you are waiting too long and doing everything wrong. Don’t listen! You are the expert on your baby. People usually mean well (and sometimes not) but they are not pacing the floors with you at 3 a.m. or bouncing on a birth ball just to get a few moments of peace between screaming. Don’t ignore what feels right to you or drain what little emotional resources you have trying to follow someone’s advice. Don't follow any advice in the newborn stage at the expense of your sanity or baby's sleep totals.
5. As fussiness subsides, try taking baby steps toward change. While some parents can work on sleep goals right away, you may need to remain in survival mode until fussiness subsides, typically around 12-16 weeks. When you can, putting baby down even once a day while awake but drowsy will allow them to get a little practice at self-soothing. Rather than eliminating the swing, try lessening the speed and eventually turning it off after baby falls asleep. Gradual changes and drastic changes can bring the same results. The question is, “Which method is gentler on everyone?” Every time I put my son in the crib wide awake, I remember the path we traveled to get there. He blows me a kiss and says “See you soon, sleep tight!” You can get there too, but on your own path and in your own time.
In the meantime, all you can do is keep breathing, and a little snoring would be nice too.