My name is Erica Desper and I am a
pediatric sleep consultant.
Upon hearing this you will probably think one of the following thoughts:
“Ugh, she’s one of those cry-it-out advocates. I could never do that to my baby.”
Or perhaps, ”Oy, I wouldn’t want her to see what goes on in our house! We’re doing everything wrong.”
Or maybe even, “That is SO cool. I bet her kids never give her trouble with sleep.”
Whichever you were thinking, you were wrong. Yes, I am a sleep coach … but I’m also a Mom. And a human being. And here are my confessions, updated from 2016 to 2020...
Confession #1: My 6 Year Old Sleeps in My Bed (Update: Now 10 Year Old but Don't Tell Him I Told You That!) Yep, you read that correctly. My then 3, then 6 and now 10 year old sleeps in my bed. But here is the deal: He is a great sleeper and six nights out of the week he falls asleep on in his own and in his own bed without issues. We both missed co-sleeping (which we did for several years) and, following a separation, divorce, and the introduction of a new partner into my life and bed when he was 3 years old, I had serious Mommy guilt. Given how he was taking it all in stride, I felt some concessions were in order.
Thus began a treasured family tradition we then and still refer to as “Sleepover Night!” On Saturday nights I kick my boyfriend (Update: then fiance, now husband) out and my son and I sleep together. It’s our little date and symbolic of the fact that my son is still my main squeeze. And I know the days of this tradition are numbered.
The Moral of the Story?
I preach to parents all day long about consistency and here I am bending the “rules” every week. It goes to show you that what would be a disaster in some households can work beautifully in others and, that when the going gets tough (or guilt-ridden), sometimes it’s okay to make concessions to protect your emotional well-being and that of your children. And our children’s needs change as their ages and stages do. What worked best for us at 12 months was not what he needed at 3 years. Our children change and our approach should change to fit them where they are.
Confession #2: I Let My Baby Cry It Out
Sigh. There’s so much drama over sleep-training and how parents decide to approach it. I, too, was adamantly opposed to letting my son to cry at all and especially alone. My attachment-parenting philosophy led me to bedshare and nurse on demand while waiting for him to night wean on his own. By the one-year mark he was waking every 45 minutes to nurse overnight and staying awake for upwards of two hours to sleep for only 45 minutes and then repeat. And there was So. Much. Crying! He cried, I cried, we all cried.
After months of gentle techniques I came to the stark realization that he was saying to me, “I’ve got this, woman. Step away.” He needed a little time and space to figure this sleep thing out and I was micromanaging due to my own anxiety and emotional needs, as is my general tendency. Within just a few nights he was falling asleep happily on his own in a crib and sleeping through the night. Voila. He had (very briefly) cried his way to a much better place for both of us. And much more gently and quickly than the “gentle” methods I clung too for far too long. Go figure, this mismatch between the way I want to approach things and the way he needs me to still holds true all these years later, in so many facets of his life.
The Moral of the Story?
There is no-one-size-fits-all approach to changing sleep habits, and sometimes the approach we want to take is not the best fit for our child. In the end we all want the kindest, gentlest process and, for some, that means stepping back and giving them have a little time and space.
Confession #3: I’m Doing Everything Wrong
If you haven’t already decided that I’m doing everything wrong based on the above, let me now inform you – I am. I spend my days and nights educating parents about factors that negatively impact sleep habits: bright rooms, screens before sleep, helping too much, inconsistency and the list goes on and on.
Guess what? Nothing is inherently “bad” or “wrong”. There are simply things we can do or not do that may have repercussions for how our family sleeps. Notice I said “may”. My son, the same one referenced both times above, is a very sensitive and anxious guy. What that amounts to is that, while he fully knows how to fall and stay asleep on his own, the slightest variance of timing, routine or just entering a new phase in life will throw his sleep for a loop. And when it does, we have to revisit the toolbox to fall back on old tools or find new ones. That may look like temporarily laying with him at bedtime or sitting on the top step while he falls asleep. It may be adding a new (fourth!) dim lamp on in his room to allay his fears. And, yes, he watches television before bedtime.
The Moral of the Story?
There is nothing inherently wrong or bad (barring anything actually harmful) about our parenting choices. And nothing is a problem if it isn’t a problem for you and your family. So your mother-in-law thinks you might still be nursing your son when he’s 25? So what. If it’s working for you, enjoy it until it isn’t anymore, and then address it. So your best friend thinks your daughter may need you to follow her to college since you currently help her fall asleep at night? Screw it.
Confession #4: I'm Doing the Best I Can with the Resources I Have in any Given Moment
In the spirit of keeping it real, I have A LOT on my plate right now and I know you do too. We can only do the best we can with the emotional, mental and physical resources we have in each moment. For me this means I might yell at bedtime because I have so much waiting for me once it's done. For you maybe it means you go into survival mode with sleep rules and just use what works right now. For others, a lot on your plate may mean addressing sleep struggles as quickly as possible so you can be better rested to face each day. There is no reason to apply labels or "right" or "wrong" or "good" and "bad" to sleep habits you need to fall back on when you don't have it in you to do anything else.
If you’re doing what you’re doing because it works, because you enjoy it and because you want to, go for it. If it isn’t working, if you resent it, or if it is causing unwanted repercussions, then my best advice is … drumroll please … call your friendly neighborhood sleep consultant. She’ll help you create and implement a plan to do everything “right”. Right for you and your family in this moment that is.