As potty-training consultants,
we help families approach and navigate the potty-learning process every day. While
there isn’t necessarily a “right” or “wrong” way to approach the process that
will work for every child, there are things you can do that can become stumbling
blocks for many of the children we’ve worked with. Some children can progress
no matter how you present it to them while others are much more specific. Our team has compiled a
list of five very common obstacles to learning that you can address if you’ve
already begun, or avoid if you are about to dive in…
#1 Don't: Train While Wearing Diapers, Pull-Ups or Underwear
Many families present
potty learning to their child while they are wearing a diaper, a pull-up, or
pants and underwear. This may feel logical to you and may help keep your house
cleaner. To your child however, this approach may make it harder to learn
and/or willingly accept this new way to go. It is a BIG ask to be wearing the
“security blanket” they have known and relied on 24/7 for years but to be
expected not to use it, in favor of something “unknown”. Much like putting dinner and dessert on their plate and expecting them to make the choice to eat dinner first.
Additionally, underwear
may feel very similar to a diaper or pull-up, causing your child to be less in
tune to their bodily sensations, masking the urge to go, and offering an
illusion of privacy that is hard to resist, leading your kiddo to pee and/or
poop in what they are wearing. Jumping straight to it before any learning has
happened may be too much too soon.
Do:
Instead, consider ditching
diapers and pull-ups altogether, at least when your child is awake. (For
children 3.5 and older, ditching them even from sleep hours is often
necessary. Check out our tips for preserving sleep here.) In addition, take a step back in the clothing layers until they are
mostly accident free. Many children learn best when they are naked from the
waist down, for at least the first few days, while others do well with loose
short or pants but no underwear. Think of clothing in levels and make it your
goal is to let them master one level or layer at a time.
#2 Don't: Make it a Hassle (For Your Child)
We’re talking about perceived
hassle, from your child’s point of view. Think about it: The gig
they had going on with diapers and pull-ups was a sweet one! They didn’t have
to pay attention to their body, stop what they were doing, or leave the action
and travel to another room. Now, they must do ALL those things, all day long.
It may not seem like a fair trade or a trade they have any desire to make. Who
can blame them?! This is a particular challenge for kiddos who don’t mind being
wet or soiled and those who have FOMO (fear of missing out).
Do:
Look for ways to
bring the hassle factor down. Instead of expecting them to travel to the
bathroom (yes, even if it is super close by), offer a potty wherever they are
just for now. Rather than having them sit at timed and frequent intervals, when
they may not even need to, watch for signs they clearly need to go and prompt
them then. Additionally, skip any steps you feel you can at first. For example,
do the wiping for them just for now and skip handwashing when you feel it is
appropriate (pee is sterile!) or use hand sanitizer. If handwashing is a must
for you every time, then at least make it fun! Check out Splatz soap
for example. Your goal is to make this new
way of going feel just as easy as the old way, or as close as we can get.
#3 Don't Ask if They Need to Go
In addition to not prompting too often, consider how you are prompting your child to go. At ages 2 and 3, “No!” is their favorite word, am I right? Don't ask a question you already know the answer to and don't send a message that your child has a choice of whether to use the potty or not. (Don't freak out - we ARE going to offer choices, just not that one.) This is just what we do and where we do it now. Normalize it and exude confidence about the change.
Do:
Instead of asking a question, make
a statement, "It's time to pee/poo/potty", combined with a choice, so they feel in charge. We are taking a
choice away from them and they want to assert themselves and have some ownership in this process. So, allow them to
have some say over when and where they go. Here are some examples:
“It’s time to potty. Do
you want to sit in one minute or two minutes?” (Set a timer according to their choice.)
“It’s potty time! Do you want
to sit on the potty or the toilet?”
“It looks like you need
to poop on the potty. Do you want a piggyback ride, or should I fly you like an
airplane?”
"Sure. When you put pee in the potty, then we can (insert whatever your child just asked to do, eat or have.) Let me know when you are ready/done/need help."
The point is that YOU are still in control of the choices and/or in control of putting other things on hold until your child is ready to make a choice.
#4 Don't: Forget to Offer "Privacy"
Moving your bowels is a
private function and, much like labor, the muscles involved respond to emotion.
This is especially true with respect to poop. If your child is feeling anxious
or vulnerable without the security blanket of a diaper or pull-up, that is
normal and understandable. (Imagine how you would feel if you had to stand on
the couch and poop!) Some children will get over it in time while others will need
that security blanket feeling to be substituted until the novelty of this new
way to go wears off.
Do: Place the potty nearby
for easy access but behind something like a couch, recliner or door. If they
have a favorite spot where they hid to poop previously, consider placing the
potty there. Have a large towel or blanket on hand and drape it across their
legs or show your child how to wrap it around themselves to “hide” if they need
to, while sitting on the potty or toilet. Some children need physical touch,
like a bear hug or hand holding, to relax while others need you to make
yourself scarce. Get them situated on the potty or toilet and then say
something like, “Now where is my phone? I’ll be right back.” Then step away so
they can do their thing. When in doubt, ask, “Do you want me to sit right here
or wait outside the door?” Your goal is to offer the privacy they need to relax
and release in this less familiar scenario. Check out some fun privacy options
from our mini team members in the photos below!
#5 Don't: Solve a Struggle by Giving a Diaper or Pull-Up to Go In
This should be the #1 don’t because of how far
it can set your child and the process back. If you are certain your child is
ready and/or capable (read more on the difference here) and have carved out
time for the process, fear, drama, and withholding are not a sign that you are
wrong or that you should turn back. Solving fear by falling back on diapers and
pull-ups may send several mixed messages to your child. This is fear of the new
and of the unknown and, in most cases, is solved by supporting them through the
fear until they realize there is nothing to be fearful of.
In other cases, we
are encountering a strong-willed child who will never move through the process so
long as they believe diapers and pull-ups are still an option. They will simply
learn to wait longer and get louder, making your attempts harder to navigate. Once
this is no longer the lesser of two unequal options, it will be an option your
child is totally fine with. We see this day in and day out.
Do: If you encounter fear and
drama, think of yourself as a labor coach, supporting your child through “birthing”
the poop. Get down on their level, speak in a low, slow voice and let them know
you are there to help and their body knows what to do. Keep your vibe cool, casual,
and confident. Due to mirror neurons in the brain, your child will reflect what
you give off and, if yours is struggling to regulate in this new territory, you
may need to regulate for them for now. This is referred to as co-regulation and
is an incredibly powerful parenting tool. Speaking of tools, if your child
holds their poo long enough that they may become uncomfortable, you can
intervene via stool-softening foods added into their diet, supplements like
Senna or Magnesium or even suppositories.
If you are struggling
with these “do’s” or need support to sort through fear, withholding or constipation,
our potty-training team and support team of dietitian nutritionists and
occupational therapists are here for you. Learn more at the links below and
reach out today!