As potty-training coaches, we help families approach and navigate this learning process every day. Often though, families are reaching out, not to approach the process, but to troubleshoot why it has stalled or failed, after months (and sometimes years!) of effort. If your child is well into the potty learning process but making little to no progress, consider four common, but often overlooked, reasons and their solutions.
The Problem: Too Many Layers
Many families present potty learning to their child while they are wearing a diaper, a pull-up, or pants and underwear. While this is logical and will, in theory, will catch accidents. In reality, this approach may make it harder for your child to learn and/or willingly accept a new way to go. It is a big ask to be wearing the “security blanket” they have known and relied on for years but expected to no longer use it, in favor of something “unknown”. Additionally, each layer of clothing may cause your child to be less in tune to their bodily sensations, masking the urge to go, and offering an illusion of privacy that is hard to resist, leading your kiddo to pee and/or poop in their clothes.
The Solution:
Ditch diapers and pull-ups altogether, at least when your child is awake (for children 4 and older, ditching them entirely may be necessary.) Take a step back in the clothing layers until they are mostly accident free. Many children learn best when they are naked from the waist down while others do well with loose short or pants but no underwear. Think of clothing in levels and your goal is to let them master one level or layer at a time.
The Problem: Lack of Privacy
Moving your bowels is a private function and the muscles involved respond to emotion, especially with poop. If your child is feeling anxious or vulnerable without that security blanket of a diaper or pull-up, that is normal and understandable. Some will get over it in time while others need that security blanket feel to be replaced until the novelty wears off.
The Solution:
Place the potty nearby for easy access but behind something like a couch, recliner or door. If they have a favorite spot where they hid to poop previously, place it there. Have a large towel or blanket on hand and show your child how to wrap it around themselves to “hide” if they need to, while sitting on the potty or toilet. Some children need physical touch, like a bear hug, to relax while others need you to make yourself scarce. Get them situated on the potty or toilet and then say something like, “Now where is my phone? Be right back?” Then step away so they can do their thing. When in doubt, ask, “Do you want me to sit right here or wait outside the door?” You can even create a
potty house
like Bernadette did for her kiddos! Your goal is to offer the privacy they need to relax and release in this less familiar scenario.
The Problem: Too Much Hassle
We’re talking about perceived hassle, from your child’s point of view. Think about it. The gig they had going on with diapers and pull-ups was pretty sweet! They didn’t have to pay attention to their body, stop what they were doing, or leave the action and go to another room. Now, they have to do ALL those things, all day long. It may not seem like a fair trade or a trade they have any desire to make.
The Solution:
Look for ways to bring the hassle factor down. Instead of expecting them to travel to the bathroom (yes, even if it is super close by!), offer a potty wherever they are just for now. Rather than having them sit at set timed intervals, watch for signs they clearly need to go and prompt them to sit then. However, watch how you prompt! Don’t constantly ask if they need to go (the answer will always be no!) Instead, make a statement, combined with a choice so they feel in charge. For example, “It’s time to pee. Do you want to sit on the potty or the toilet?” Or, “Do you want to sit in one minute or two minutes?” Do the wiping for them just for now and skip handwashing when you feel it is appropriate or use sanitizer. Your goal is to make this new way of going feel just as easy as the old way, or as close as we can get.
The Problem: Constipation
I know what you’re thinking…
”There is NO WAY my child is constipated!
They go every day (or more!) and don’t strain or complain of belly pain.”
Research
shows that constipation is the #1 cause of bedwetting and accidents and a child can be severely and chronically constipated, without any belly pain or anything palpable on exam and even when they are pooping regularly. Think of constipation not in terms of how often a child poops, but in terms of whether there is a backup of poop in the colon and rectum. When that is the case, the rectum stretches and becomes desensitized, causing poop to drop out unexpectedly and a child to not feel the urge to go. This in turn causes more poop to back up and the cycle continues. Not to mention this blockage presses on, and sometimes even flattens, the bladder, causing daytime and nighttime pee accidents.
The Solution:
This one is a bit more complicated and should be discussed with a medical professional. An abdominal X-ray can confirm a blockage which can be resolved with one or a combination of treatments such as laxatives, suppositories or enemas. While that sounds scary (and traumatic!) to most parents, so is going about your day with a body full of poop and the drama of accidents at home and school and the strain it puts on a family. Finding the right product(s) and dosing to clear your child’s blockage and help their body recover will likely take some trial and error. A word of caution – you may encounter resistance from your child’s doctor and, if so, will need to advocate for them on this issue or seek out a specialist and/or second opinion.
Determining the hidden cause of your child’s potty struggles is the key to progress. More importantly, it’s the key to reaching a day when you can stop thinking about pee and poop! If your family needs support in this regard, our potty team is here to help.