Do you have a kiddo who is pee trained but absolutely refuses to poop on the potty? Do they ask for a diaper or pull-up to poop in? Use what they are wearing and try to hide it? If so, you are not alone! Poop struggles are the #1 reason families reach out to us for potty training support. Solving those struggles requires understanding why you are encountering them in the first place. Here are four common causes of poop anxiety and resistance and their solutions:
Reason #1: Loss of Their “Security Blanket”
Diapers and pull-ups may be gross and expensive from your point of view but, from your child’s, they are a security blanket of sorts that they have held close to their body for years. Giving that up, in favor of a less cozy and convenient option, may not be a choice they make willingly. Not to mention that the emotional muscle involved in pooping, the sphincter, may not cooperate in an unfamiliar scenario.
Imagine if you came to my home for wine and chocolate. We are hanging out on the couch and you need to poop. You ask to use the bathroom and I reply, “It’s okay…just stand on the couch and poop there. That’s what we do here." Would you be able to?! More than likely, that shy muscle would clamp right up out of lack of privacy and unfamiliarity. (Not to mention you would never come over again, lol) That may be how your child feels about having to sit and let poop out without their "security blanket".
The Solution: This obstacle can be solved with time, practice and patient coaching, in the absence of other options. That’s right – so long as your toddler knows that they can choose to use the diaper or pull-up, it is unlikely that they will choose the potty or toilet. The solution is to pick a day when the potty/toilet is the only option and coach them through the normal anxiety that results. Much like a labor coach, exude calm and confidence and remind them that their body knows what to do. Determine if they prefer hands on support or privacy and offer that along the way. Once pooping in the potty becomes familiar, that anxiety will melt away.
Reason #2: Too Much Hassle
From your child’s perspective, their old gig was a pretty good one…they could “drop it” wherever they were in the home, without paying attention to their body, stopping what they were doing, or going to another location. Now, you’re asking them to do all that and more. They are smart enough to want the easier way out.
The Solution: This obstacle can be solved by making using the potty as hassle free as possible, at least for now. For example, you can offer a potty
that is easier and faster to access than the toilet, use hand sanitizer rather than doing a full hand washing when that is appropriate, and save the wiping lessons for down the road. Making this new option seem almost as convenient as the old will help get your kiddo on board.
Reason #3: Wearing Too Many Layers
The bottom line on this one is that the more layers your child is wearing, the less in tune they are with their body. So, if you jumped straight from diapers/pull-ups to pants and underwear, your child may not have learned to notice and act on the sensations that come before the poop comes, and/or may not realize they aren’t wearing a diaper which leads to accidents. Underwear also offer the illusion of privacy so your child may be tempted to use their clothes intentionally, hoping they can hide it.
The Solution: This obstacle can be solved by taking a step back in the layers your child is wearing while they learn to poop on the potty. Help them be successful without layers from the waist down and then add the necessary layers in slowly, one at a time, to make sure they maintain that success.
Reason #4 Power Struggles
Usually families are encountering at least one of the above mixed in with a heaping helping of
power struggles. Especially when children are 3 and older, resistance to anything you want them to do is developmentally appropriate. They may not care about pleasing you and seeing a smile on your face but relish in pushing ALL your buttons. Children have little control over their lives, aside from what they put in their mouths and what they let out of their bodies. Holding poop is often a sign that too much pressure has been piled on them with respect to the potty process. I'm not suggesting
your child isn't ready
or that you go back to diapers but I would suggest tweaking how you manage the learning process.
The Solution: This common obstacle can be solved by chilling out on how - and how often - you prompt your child to go. Overprompting is THE most common source of power struggles. This looks like having your child sit on the potty every X minutes or hours or constantly asking if they need to go. Not only does this add to the hassle of it all, from your child’s point of view, but their reply is almost always going to be a resounding, "No!” and then you are at an impasse.
Try backing off from timed potty trips in favor or learning their “tells”. Do they freeze or hold themselves when they need to go? Dance around on tiptoes? Make a funny face? Note their signs and suggest they check in with their body. As in, “It looks like your tummy is really uncomfortable. I bet it would feel better if you let your poop out.” Not an order, just a suggestion. Or try the when/then trick. This looks like waiting for your child to ask for something (screen time, a snack, going outside) and responding with, “Sure. When you put your poop in the potty, then we can turn on the T.V.” The idea is to make it THEIR choice to sit and to let it out, not yours. Poof…the power struggle evaporates!
So, how do you put all these tips together to ditch the diapers and
the drama for good? And what if these aren’t enough to get your child on board? Never fear! Our team of Oh Crap certified potty training consultants can help you find the right tips and tricks for your kiddo and stay in touch while you implement them. Learn more about the support we offer and feel free to schedule a complimentary call to see if support is right for you.